The Best Way to Climb Is One Step at a Time
by foshizzlemyrizzle
Summary: Maura shares her embarrassing story about the camping trip she took with Jane. Spoilers for ep 5x08 'Lost & Found'


"Remember that trip we took to the Adirondacks? Well, Jane and I had never tried it before, so we decided to go camping...she hates this story..."

Maura paused a moment at Jane's obvious discomfort but she had encourage Maura to be herself with Jack... and she knows the story is too funny not to tell.

"First a bit of back story, to partially explain the funny thing that happened later."

"Prepare for a lot of tangents and side stories," Jane interrupted. "It is just the way Maura explains things."

This seemed like permission to share to Maura, so she proceeded to tell the story with a huge grin on her face.

"While we were discussing the where and when of the camping trip, we had to figure out just how much 'rough' we could handle. We are both city girls, so we decided for first timers, we really needed a roof, four walls, and plumbing. And that we could build up to tents, sleeping bags, and defecating in the woods."

"That is not what I said, Maura."

"I am well aware of the language you used, Jane. I just choose not to use it. Anyway, we went online and booked a nice cabin in the Adirondacks with electricity and plumbing but without heating or air conditioning. The only way we could confirm the reservation, with the elderly couple who owned the cabin, was over the phone at 5AM 'before the fish start biting'.

"I set my alarm for 4:50, so I could wake up enough to have a sensible conversation. Jane had slept over and had a conniption fit when the alarm went off. It was some old song by Sonny and Cher on the radio and she went stomping of toward the bathroom, mumbling something about Groundhog Day.

"I placed the call at exactly 5AM. Oh, it was still dark outside and it was three years ago, the night of the Super Moon, when the full moon coincides with its closest approach to the Earth during the elliptical orbit and results in the largest apparent size of the lunar disk as seen from Earth."

"The moon looked really huge."

"Yes, it did, Jane. Thank you. There was another Super Moon a few weeks ago and another one is coming up soon."

"Hmmm, can't wait."

"While I was talking to the husband, who was quite hard of hearing and I had to speak loudly for him to hear me, Jane had returned and walked over to the window. She noticed how big the moon appeared and she looked over at me and yelled, "Honey!" She calls me 'honey' sometimes. Then she pointed out the window and yelled, "Moon!" She isn't much of a conversationalist in the morning, especially before her coffee. I nodded to acknowledge that the moon did indeed look beautiful. Then I finished the call and we were booked to go camping.

"When we got to the cabin a few weeks later, the elderly wife met us at the door. And while she was very polite, she seemed to be extremely confused. We just attributed her behavior to advanced age and memory loss. Jane even offered to accompany her back to the main office but she refused. Said she was fine and knew the way back and forth in her sleep.

"So after she left, we walked inside and there was a bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket, fresh strawberries with melted chocolate, and rose petals all over the bed. It took us a while, but we figured out that the old partially-deaf man had heard Jane yell 'Honey' and 'moon' over the phone, and that they thought that we were on our honeymoon! But that isn't the funny part."

"It isn't?"

"You know it isn't, Jane. I wanted to immediately go and correct the mistake because I cannot lie without breaking out into hives or experiencing vasovagal syncope-"

"She faints."

"That's what I said. But by the time we figured out why they thought we were newlyweds, Jane was already drinking the champagne. She said that I never lied, it was just a misunderstanding, and that we should just enjoy the free booze. It was getting late and we were tired. So I decided to let it go for the night and clear up the misunderstanding the next morning.

"There was a chill in the air, so Jane started a fire in the fireplace. Then we drank that whole bottle of champagne and ate all the strawberries. When it was time to get ready for bed, Jane discovered that she had forgotten to pack pajamas. She is a notorious poor packer. No checklists. Always forgets something. So I just gave her my bottoms, she usually sleeps in pajama pants and a tank top anyway. It took a while to clean up all those rose petals, and we were a little drunk from all the champagne. We ended up having a petal fight before we went to sleep.

"The next morning, it was freezing in that little cabin. The fire had died out and we were shivering like chihuahuas. I got up first to make some hot coffee and Jane finally went out to get some more firewood from the wood pile. I met her at the door with a mug of coffee, just when the old mad came walking up the path to see if we needed anything.

"Jane started asking about how to keep a fire burning all night and I was waiting to correct the honeymoon misunderstanding, when I realized that we were standing there in our matching pajama set with rose petals in our hair. And I knew it looked like we had engaged in sexual activites even though we hadn't, although Jane does get a little handsy in her sleep when she's had too much to drink. But I didn't want him to think we had had sex in his cabin outside of marriage, he was wearing a crucifix necklace, so I just asked how to cook on a wood stove and decided to let the whole honeymoon thing blow over. But that isn't the funny part."

"Really? Because this story is pretty hilarious."

"Slow down, Jane. I'm getting there. After the old man left, we got dressed and Jane wanted to try fishing. So we hiked up to a nearby lake and after a while, Jane caught several small fish. Then what must have been a really huge fish pulled Jane right into the water! It was kind of funny but not really because the lake was very cold.

"We hurried back to the cabin and Jane went to change out of her wet clothes when she discovered that she hadn't packed enough underwear. So I gave her a pair of mine, I had packed extras, and after a lot of grumbling she finally put them on. I washed out her wet things and hung them up to dry while she went to chop up more wood.

"Then I started cleaning and gutting the fish. The old woman came by and was teaching me the best way to cook the fish. She also helped me make cornbread and baked potatoes. But while we were cooking, Jane was having a difficult time with my underwear.

"It seemed like every time she lifted the ax to chop a log, my undies were riding up and making her very uncomfortable, which I never really understood because this was during your thong phase, she is more into boy shorts now, and riding up is basically what thongs do. But rather than fight that never ending butt battle, Jane decided she would rather go commando.

"So I was in the kitchenette area with the old woman, who was also wearing a crucifix necklace, the kind with the dead Jesus on it, when Jane came barrelling through the backdoor butt first with her arms full of wood, and she bellowed, "Maura! I have to take your panties off!" But that isn't the funny part."

"What is the funny part?"

"The funny part is that we never did correct that honeymoon misunderstanding. And to this day, that elderly couple in the Adirondacks thinks that Jane and I are married."


End file.
